“Don’t try”, on your tombstone you said .

but how are you so pessimistic, Buk?

and you continued,

“If you’re going to try, go all the way.

Otherwise, don’t even start”.

You, a piece of drunkard–

your poems well-celebrated

You, a womanizer—

so raw on this ragged world

Why, oh you appeared in my dreams–

and talk me deep.

You said and I quote,

“direct me to the stairs.

up, up above this building.

You, little kid, have betrayed me.”

I dug up, six-feet under your grave.

for what burden it is to say,

that one must find I have to see.

for what clown is in this feeling

of roaring cries in form of smiling.

have we forgotten the days of tales

when one is sad, one has to wail?

of torment past, of carpet grass,

of broken tassel from a class.

I do, I do. My anxious foe,

I have to try but got no clue.

I mean, I mean the ways of men,

but how’s this door, I can’t come in.

I am incapable of romantic love and for that I cried inside. I know from myself that I am naive and ignorant of how to appear myself, to be proper for a relationship. No one truly and deeply likes me. I am aware of that. It is not that it’s sad. only fool can say that “no. do not lose hope. i am sure someone out there admires you.” I pity them. they don’t understand. I am comfortable my way. that is a fact. I loathed men.

but down in my deepest desire. I long for a love so beautiful. for someone who mean to tell me “you are the love of my life”. I desire that unfortunately. curiosity it may be perhaps. but can we not agree that it could be the most beautiful thing you can experience in your lifetime?

while we are blinded by romance, where for some reason we cannot explain how the so-called love can easily neglect our rationality.

My heart is of burning desire. I cannot wait for him to show. but at the same time afraid. I am lost in my fantasy, of ideas troubling me, of potholes in my brain digging itself.

…but this must I remember: I am beautiful and worthy. Standards set high for character and morale, I must persevere the realm of peace.

I am listening “Colour Everywhere” by Christian Bautista. It is nice.

But you know what is nicer? -being able to free yourself from pain. Yup, value yourself by focusing on what matters to you; by acknowledging people who truly care and love you.

Often, we are blinded by romance. We set standard and build an illusion portraying our sophistication to love. Sweet and lovely. Perfect and blooming. Mature and growing. Passion and romantic. They dwell in our mind. The songs give us impression of reality—a nostalgic feeling. Somewhere in our dream, it happened. We hoped with a strong belief. We offer prayers with our red candles. With faithful resonance, our hearts are thriving for patience—hoping, wishing.

Then, I must say… bless me and heal me Lord.

Continue reading “@2:45 a.m. just when I’m done my assignment”
sunset. A beautiful ending.

I regret to inform you that my heart still in awe and wearily longs for you.

Today I will write a poem that starts with the idea of assurance

Our eyes are fixed to beauty---
                 to beauty we feel peace,
to beauty we allow ourselves to familiarize the phases of the moon, 
                       then we think---
                       not to organize our prejudices, but to appreciate our reality
"How good it is to be sure of my own self-truth. It is beautiful."

The following days they came,
fast as the lightning they strike
they succumb your peace---
you hope to protect it 
but it's too late for a good change.

We grow uncomfortably,
we start to acknowledge a new reality
the multidimensionality of the world 
is not a one-size-fits-all
but the moon never change
It sails unendingly, more beautifully
"How sure am I this time? To decide of my own and to be free is a doom to mankind."

I, with rational reasons,
fail to think in valid conclusion.
my brain is blurred to the luring pleasures
The first time love showed me his face---
it is with delight to ruin and rot my established premises...
... that I cannot be persuaded to love,
 that to marriage is not an option to my feminine strength,
that men are nothing but a personification of lies and troubles, 
that love lures the entire logic of happiness. 

Hence, I started with a beautiful assurance but ended unsure.
beautiful surprise. 
Continue reading “My alarm rang randomly so I have to work instead. but the concept of love troubles me again cause I think of him”

52 mins from now, we will be entering to a new year, a new decade. I can hear the merriment around. I can hear the cheers and all. However, what I am worried about is how to finish my research proposals. 2 topics left. I procrastinate all the time. not good. my ideas become blur. I was working on this flipped classroom thingy approach. comparative study. sounds amazing but really I don’t know much about it. Then there are these module answer sheets to check, lessons to prepare cause you know, new quarter ahead of me. I have to record those scores. Then I have to review and read my Math 210.1 lecture notes. Pure Math. Abstract Algebra. My foundation on proving is not that good but whatever.

Continue reading “Happy New Year”

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